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Delayed Pursuit

by Jessi Robertson

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1.
Delayed Pursuit 03:40
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I lose track of the time but it keeps one eye on me. Collapsing, a dying star unfolding infinitely. I've got a long list of things I meant to do. I can never rest but I can't see it through. Day lasts forever, night's a flash of blue circling through the hours, delayed pursuit. I flinch when my phone rings, sound is a newfound enemy. The faces I see onscreen dissolve into analog memory. I've got a long list of things I meant to do. I can never rest but I can't see it through. Day lasts forever, night's a flash of blue circling through the hours, delayed pursuit.
2.
New Bad Habit 03:18
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I wanna get up from my chair, spin it once, then shove it through a window. I wanna tie my desk to a hot air balloon and see how high it can go. I wanna type every word in the dictionary, show you that I am extraordinary. My fingers flutter like hummingbirds. I'm low on answers but high on words. 
 It's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse. Surviving is my blessing, silver linings are my curse. I'm low on the answers, but I'm high on words. I wanna grab my winter clothes, walk to the park and sail them all like kites. I wanna fold my bed up like a jelly roll and stay awake all night. I wanna read every book that's ever been written, bite like a snake and hiss like a kitten, cross every line and leave it blurred. I'm low on answers but high on words. It's not getting any better, but it's not getting any worse. Surviving is my blessing, silver linings are my curse. I'm low on the answers, but I'm high on words. I was never normal, I'm not holding my breath for new. I've got a laundry list of bad habits to try on like new shoes. I keep thinking of just one more crazy thing to do. I live for the distractions, I long for the absurd. I'm low on answers, but I'm high on words.
3.
Long Shot 03:20
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I draw on my brightest smile  and don my favorite shirt.   Every day is Halloween  when you’re hiding how much everything hurts.  I’ve gotten good at dressing up,   laughing longer, dancing harder.  I’m never giving up,   maybe a long shot in my damaged armor.   Bet on me and I’ll make you into  a believer. I catalog the latest blows,    the scores upon my skin.    I’m thinking of my next disguise,    this one’s wearing thin.  I’ve gotten good at dressing up,   laughing longer, dancing harder.  I’m never giving up,   maybe a long shot in my damaged armor.   Bet on me and I’ll make you into  a believer.
4.
Pockets and Panty Lines 03:00
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Got a checkbook, cash and some matches, house keys, headphones, a false set of lashes, a smart phone, a paperback, a back up battery. Somebody get me a bigger set of pockets please. Cozy is luxury, comfortable is sexy. Go ahead and judge me, I don't mind. I'm gettin shit done while you sit there and wag your tongue. This is what I stand for, pockets and panty lines. I got some news for you, every day when I get dressed I'm wearing underwear underneath my pants or dress. If my panty line bothers you when I walk past maybe ask yourself why you're staring at my ass? Cozy is luxury, comfortable is sexy. Go ahead and judge me, I don't mind. I'm gettin shit done while you sit there and wag your tongue. This is what I stand for, pockets and panty lines. Got a pack of gum, a lighter, a credit card, sunglasses, and a stare that spans over a thousand yards, sunscreen, a magazine, state-issued ID. Somebody get me a bigger set of pockets please. Cozy is luxury, comfortable is sexy. Go ahead and judge me, I don't mind. I'm gettin shit done while you sit there and wag your tongue. This is what I stand for, pockets and panty lines.
5.
The Time That Never Was 03:19
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On Sundays I'd put my feet up and listen to the radio. The hours flowed like honey, running sweet and slow. I daydream of those long afternoons, daffodils in bloom, drowzy bees abuzz. Take me back to a simpler time, the time that never was. On summer days I'd buy a paperback and read outside all day. It smelled of sunscreen and nectarines, bodies baking like clay. I daydream of those sunsets I could drink, one sip at a time until my head's abuzz. Take me back to a simpler time, the time that never was. On winter nights I'd wear a frilly dress under my fuzziest coat. If my heels weren't clicking on concrete I'd think I was afloat. I daydream of steam rising from grates, the distant thump of bass, neon lights abuzz. Take me back to a simpler time, the time that never was.
6.
Vacation from Myself 03:57
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Is it Wednesday? Are you sure? I feel like Monday, over-caffeinated and insecure. Or could it be Tuesday? I'm confused. It can't be Friday yet, I don't feel threatened or amused. I want a vacation from myself. I want a vacation from myself. I can shape time poor or well, make it into my personal hell. I want a vacation from myself. It's 8 o'clock but is it night or day? The shades are drawn and I feel like yawning so who can say? Is it spring, summer, winter, or fall? Seasons don't mean anything when I'm staring at these walls. I want a vacation from myself. I want a vacation from myself. I can shape time poor or well, make it into my personal hell. I want a vacation from myself. Please, don't say you'll go there with me. Please, don't say you'll go there with me. I'm never as alone as I wish I could be, the only thing that could make this worse is company! I want a vacation from myself. I want a vacation from myself. I can shape time poor or well, make it into my personal hell. I want a vacation from myself.
7.
I'm a Story 03:43
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You see me as a picture frame, hung slightly askew. You see me as a little damaged, a lost soul to rescue. A new coat of varnish, add a little glue. You’d like to replace me with something more subdued. I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you to make me better. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm a story, you can't read the letters. I don't need you to make me better. I don't need you to fix me. These flaws are my badges of honor, I wear them proudly. You see me as a windowpane just starting to crack. The next snowstorm, the next hard rain, might leave me on my back. You and only you can handle such delicate repair. You’d replace my sharp edges, leave me clean and square. I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you to make me better. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm a story, you can't read the letters. I don't need you to make me better. I don't need you to fix me. These flaws are my badges of honor, I wear them proudly. Take your toolbox home. Take your sandpaper and go. I’m sure someone will appreciate your appraiser’s eye but I want to shape myself, critics need not apply. I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you to make me better. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm a story, you can't read the letters. I don't need you to make me better. I don't need you to fix me. These flaws are my badges of honor, I wear them proudly.
8.
AKA Jessi 02:58
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My life is messy. Some people call me Jess, others call me Jessi, then there's Jessica, the forgotten one. I know this is confusing. I admit I find it kind of amusing when they ask what to call me, and I say well that's a funny story... Three first names, no middle, one last, two more and one less than most folks have. I must confess I'd prefer you address me as mistress of the dark, aka Jessi. Why no middle name? Growing up I felt pretty lame but now it makes me unique, not some weirdo freak. My last comes from the Scots and before you ask, no I'm not. I'm a human melting pot, but no, I'm not a Scot. Three first names, no middle, one last, two more and one less than most folks have. I must confess I'd prefer you address me as mistress of the dark, aka Jessi. I might get in trouble with some for speaking about myself in the third person and breaking the fourth wall. Give me some rules, I'll break them all! Three first names, no middle, one last, two more and one less than most folks have. I must confess I'd prefer you address me as mistress of the dark, aka Jessi.
9.
Lost to Waking 03:10
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How can I keep running with no place to go? The days burn off too quickly, the minutes drop too slow. I close my eyes, imagine galaxies where unknown stars draw patterns on untouched seas. I'm gonna wait for spring to arrive, open the door, roll down the windows, and drive. No destination in mind. Just open the door, roll down the windows, and drive. How can I keep moving when the earth won't spin? I drift around the house, a broken top revolving. I close my eyes and conjure new worlds where oceans paint the shores in sapphire and pearl. I'm gonna wait for spring to arrive, open the door, roll down the windows, and drive. No destination in mind. Just open the door, roll down the windows, and drive. Heading for the horizon, I turn my face to the wind, my hair coming unpinned, the sun slipping down along my winter skin. The past becomes a dream lost to waking.
10.
Clipped Wings 05:39
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I don't know how to make it right. I'm so good at making it wrong. Crane my neck to watch a bird in flight. I swear, I recognize the song. If you could admit just once the consequences of what you've done. Maybe it wouldn't make it better. I know it couldn't change the outcome. But maybe one day I could soar instead of run. I'm not sure I can forgive you but I sure as hell can't forget. My wings were clippped, my feathers stripped, I feel it in every step. If you could admit just once the consequences of what you've done. Maybe it wouldn't make it better. I know it couldn't change the outcome. But maybe one day I could soar instead of run. I'm exhausted by bravery, what's really weighing on me is knowing I may never get the thing I need, not even an apology. You pulled the earth out from underneath my feet- but the skies the skies the skies belong to me.

about

This February was my fifth year participating in February Album Writing Month. I wrote and recorded 10 songs in that time and all the recordings are live and lo-fi. A friend inspired me to release this collection as is. It is perhaps the most raw and real thing I've ever created. I sang these songs live into my iPhone over the course of a month. You'll hear the clicking of piano keys, a truck passing in the distance, a refrigerator humming, my guitar clipping. I was writing so fast that I never really sat back and listened to it, but now that I've had some time to reflect I realized that these songs are the perfect, messy encapsulation of how I've felt this past year, and I decided to send them out into the world just the way they are.

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released March 26, 2021

Written & Performed by Jessi Robertson
Produced, Engineered, and Mixed by Jessi Robertson

© 2020 Trash and Blossoms Music, BMI
℗ 2020 Trash and Blossoms Music

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Jessi Robertson Nashville, Tennessee

Jessi Robertson is a Nashville-based singer/songwriter whose work navigates the boundaries between reality and imagination, and lays bare her own emotional truths.

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